Please don’t freak out.

Heat Shot painting by: aaViPiR

Head Shot painting by: aaViPiR

There are little to no differences in the schedule of a dog and an unemployed person. I know because as a part-time contractor and full-time unpublished writer, I am by all means “unemployed”. Between the frequent naps, snacking all day, and looking at the window checking out every car and neighbor that passes by, me and the dog have a lot in common.

There are only two major differences between our schedules. He gets out of the house way more frequently than me, and he gets to lick his genitals.

I cannot stress enough how terribly depressing is to work from home. I’ve never been more interested in suicide in my life, so much so that I feel very passionate about it. Passionate enough to NOT want to do it. I have found something that has peaked my interest and is worthy of living for: death by own hand.

So, in my quest for research into the matter, I have explored countless of gore sites, seen tons of pictures/videos of botched suicides, and gone really creative about how to plot the most hilarious and yet poetic suicide of all time.  I want people to hear the story and ask themselves these two questions “what the fuck? and, how is that even possible?”

Scenario #1: Birthday Party for the Dead.

I get a birthday cake that says “I know who killed Kennedy”. I will collect a bunch of dead forest critters: squirrels, skunks, geese, rabbits, birds, even a couple of small snakes. I buy birthday party supplies: hats, balloons, party favors, and mini tuxedo outfits. I rent a room in a shitty motel- the shittiest I can find within a 150 mile radius. I bring my cute little dead friends and outfit them with the party hats, tuxedos, put slices of cake in front of them, I smear some frosting on their little dead faces, and smear some on mine too. But here is the kicker, I give the squirrel a handgun… and I shoot myself with another one. During forensics they will know the squirrel didn’t do it, but think of the person that walks into that scene.

Scenario #2: The Set Up

Befriend someone I fucking hate. Have them invite me over for drinks/coffee or even dinner, and when they are not looking- poison my drink! They will go to jail for it!  (Ok, it is only funny from this side of the fence.)

I guess there is another major difference between me and the dog: the dog is definitely a better person than I am.