An Invasion Wouldn’t Be a The Worst Thing to Happen to Us.

I realized what a shitty taste in music I have when the music playlist at a Bosnian lounge had all of my favorite jams. If I remember correctly, foreigners have the worst taste in music and comedy. But here I am, nodding to Telepopmusik and Gotan Project with a female erection in my pants while eating some cheese with figs. This is as worldly as it gets when you don’t have a passport.

My barstool neighbor says he has never been to Vegas. He says he works in finance, he is dressed like he works in lumber, and talks like he doesn’t have a job. Why is Seattle like this? Is this a Canadian thing? At least this is not California.

California people constantly brag and shove on your face their awesome beach life. Motherfuckers you don’t have beaches, you have coasts. You don’t know what a real beach looks like unless your parents took you to Hawaii or Mexico. The equivalent of the shitty California beach life would be me in Puerto Rico bragging about rock climbing, or in Vegas bragging about skiing in Mt Charleston. Enjoy your cold, dark water ‘beaches’, dear douches and douchettes.

And what the fuck happened to California women’s voices? I am terrible with accents, and it saddens me that I can perfectly imitate it. Who knows, maybe my true talents come from a place of hatred. The accent sounds like a complete idiot with cum in the back of the throat. You speak slowly, dragging your words, kind of raspy, and end every sentence like a question. (see: Paris Hilton, Audrina Patridge, Kourtney Kardashian). Like food and music, language and accents are a reflection of the culture. California women sound like lazy, uncultured, craigslist prostitutes.

Food. Ha! American cuisine has to be in the bottom 5 of all world cuisines.

But now that I have realized I have more in common with a middle-aged man from Sarajevo than with someone from the west coast of my own country, I feel I have no credibility. Either Americans have turned into shit in the last 50 years, or I have in the last 5.

Perhaps being taken over by the Chinese, the French, or the Mexicans isn’t such a bad thing.


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