The fat lady inside of me.

yucky-gluttony

Gluttony Hoe

I love booze and drugs as much as the next asshole, but my greatest love, my undisputedly greatest indulgence is and will always be: food.

There is nothing I won’t eat, at least once. Blood sausages, hooves, worms, day old McDonalds, snails, brains, tongues, etc. (There is a semen joke there, but I will leave that up to you.)

I am not your typical fat girl. For one, I’m not fat. Standing 5’5 tall and weighing 105 pounds, I look like your normal everyday run-of-the-mill bitch, or a very poor fat bitch. Not many people would appreciate at first glance the depths of my love for all things edible. But rest assure, there is a happy fat girl living inside of me.  She is also kind of a slutty bitch, and is not above, maybe one day, using butter as lube.

Food could easily be a deadly weakness for me. My passion for real butter is such that I have eaten half a tub with crackers as if it was cheese. I ate nothing but cherry tomatoes and mozzarella cheese for 2 days, which left me with a beautiful shade of red on my skin and the softest shit I’ve ever taken.

If someone wanted to kill me it would require no more than baking me brownies laced with ricin and leaving them in a basket on my front door. That’s it. I wouldn’t hesitate to eat the shit out of them. I would post a photo of me eating porch brownies on Facebook. I should either invest in a royal food taster, or work as one.

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One thought on “The fat lady inside of me.

  1. I would have guessed your weight exactly right. Fucking win.

    Leave @LisaInSinCity alone. I hear she lives on a strict young children and unicorn meat soup diet and pees on your face while you’re sleeping, but you don’t notice until you wake up and you smell like R. Kelly’s sheets.

    At the very least you should leave a will where you donate your remains (when the squirrel kills you) to a research institute that can implant/innoculate your metabolism and/or appetite to less fortunate fat girls. Just one fucking good thing in your (after) life, eh?

    I saw a lot of people eat special brownies last night and half of them ended up reenacting The Exorcist. EVERYONE will eat brownies with no questions asked. Gotta go with something more extreme to prove your inner fatness.

    E.g., maybe you’d eat a bubbling “clam chowder” as long as you’re told that’s what it is, even though even before ingesting the first spoonfull you can already tell it’s sperm bank rejects. That’s eating it ALL.

    Keep a shit consistency diary called “Foodie Shits”. That’s interesting blog material.

    I’d eat carbonara girl shown above.

    /endrant

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