I was doing 78 in a 60 when the cop flashed his lights. I think there may have been some sound accompanying those lights but I was blaring EDM so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. If I don’t play deafening music… I start talking to myself.
I look to my passenger seat and I see the following items: flask, vibrator, two invalid IDs with my name and two found (not stolen) extra ones, envelope with cash, bottle of prescription meds, and platform high heels. On the floor there is at least 5 shirts, a wig, and some McDonalds bags. I actually live an honest life, everything in this car has an explanation, but I wouldn’t believe it myself.
I pull over to the side of the road as far to the left as I can. The idea is that the officer has to come talk to me through the passenger window. I always do this as safety precaution in case I forgot I was drinking earlier.
I start hiding as much as I can under the seats. I find that empty beer bottles, glow sticks and a can of something called Brain ToniQ occupy this space. Jesus Fuck.. I take my coat off and just throw it on top of all this chaos.
Officer asks me for the basics, I can’t find my registration.
“You were doing 78. You flew past me, did you see me?” he asks.
“Yeah I saw you” I say point blank. His face is pale with what seems to be disgust.
“Kidding! Of course I didn’t see you! I had no idea I was going so fast.” I reply.
“Is there a reason why you were going to fast?”
“I thought I was being followed. Turns out I was, by you”
“Ma’am, everything you say is under surveillance”
“Sorry, I was just kidding. No I had no reason to be speeding”
I know my license is suspended in Nevada. I know that I have a bench warrant for my arrest in Arizona. It looks like I am wrecking havoc across state lines and making a run for the border. If I was a police officer, I would go out of my way to detain this lady- clearly she is up to no fucking good.
The officer comes back and informs me of my bench warrant and my suspended license. He tells me that aside from speeding I have committed no crimes in Washington and he will let me go with a fine. This is America, truly the land of the free. My tickets amount to $697.
Later that evening I parked in yellow areas and racked $97 in more traffic violations.
I need to make some changes.
Instead of speeding I am going to dumpster dive for a car seat, get a baby doll, place the seat rear-facing, and drive in the carpool lane. That should help.