The Host

alien ultrasoundHaving an alien creature busting through your frontal torso is a genuine concern during pregnancy. At least for me it was. Because lets be honest, we don’t really know what is invading our bodies. We trust the doctor that it is a tiny human- but how well do we know this doctor? Exactly. The alien race are notoriously sophisticated, strategic, and very advanced. You would think that if they are going to leave seedlings in human women, they would ensure full term pregnancies by eliminating the possibility of blowing their cover with a run-of-the-mill doctor in Wichita, Kansas. If they can travel through space, Im confident they can place a convincing decoy or at the very least bribe a doctor and an ultrasound specialist.

The so-called miracle of life is disgusting and I am not just referring to the moment when women shit out a blob of squealing mass, bloody water, and miscellaneous innards. Im talking about the creature itself. For 38 to 42 weeks women create this growth, this mass of flesh inside their bodies. They bake a human being and sometimes even 5 at a time. There is a meat pocket called ‘womb’ that houses this thing that has arms, legs and sometimes even teeth. There is some awe amidst all the repulsiveness. We still do not fully understand how life starts or how exactly the brain operates, yet women have been making this since the beginning of humanity. Literally. One day you are walking down the street or arguing with a store clerk and -POOF- a second heartbeat. Soon enough there are two sets of brains thinking, dreaming, hoping, and plotting.

Another thing that happens that is beyond cool and I wish men could experience: super powers. When I was stricken with pregnancy, my senses were on steroids. I could hear things no one could, I could smell people in the other room. Even from my peripheral vision I could see spider webs in the distance.  Tasting food was so bizarre. Foods I didn’t care for became the most amazing things I have ever tasted. Satisfying a craving was like a drug. But the downside to that is that if I had a craving I couldn’t satisfy, everything else tasted like shit. It was like starving for ONE thing only. I couldn’t help but to appear to be bonkers- just utterly insane. And I am supposed to believe this is all normal ‘human’ behavior and experiences. Ha! These aliens are very clever.

The creature in your belly moves from time to time. You can feel where the skull and the spine is. Sometimes the skull is at 1 PM, sometimes its at 9PM.. this thing moves all over the place. The creature stretches its limbs and kicks/punches you, especially when you put pressure on it. If you lay down face-up to watch TV and put a bowl on popcorn on your swollen stomach, the creature will kick the bowl to the floor.

In the lasts months your body fights back. When the creature moves too much, your womb contracts… so much so you can see an outline of the creature. Imagine that- being already uncomfortable in a sleeping bag and the sleeping bag squishes you so hard that it doesn’t allow you to stretch out your muscles, on the contrary, forces you to contract them even more. Geez, that sounds like something out of an American-ran Iraqi prison. (I must clarify that the contractions are painless and their purpose is for the baby to stay head down). This unsightly sight, being able to see the shape of the creature, further fuels the alien paranoia because NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT BEING ABLE TO SEE THE BABY WHILE STILL INSIDE YOUR BELLY SO IT CATCHES YOU BY COMPLETE SURPRISE.

From a male stand point, it it pretty fucking weird. From a female standpoint, it is bizarre and unnatural. Yes, unnatural. As if all of the aforementioned bizarre shit wasn’t alarming enough, during the 7th month your belly is so big you can’t help but to freak out: this is now the biggest part of your body and what fills it has to come out, and it can only come out one way. It’s like everything you ate for the last 40 weeks has been stored and compacted in your stomach and you have to take a MASSIVE shit. The miracle of life. Mother nature is one sick cunt.

Apparently the term ‘expecting’ had a different meaning for me than for most women. There was not a lot of women inquiring on message boards “How long is an alien pregnancy?”, “How do I know I was inseminated by a space monster?”, “Which bars do aliens frequent?”. So while most women are ‘expecting’ a child, I was expecting that or that some amphibian may claw its way out of my belly while I was waiting in line at Toys R’ Us. I had a lot more questions along the lines of intergalactic parental visitation, child support, and homeschooling, but if I couldn’t find answers to the basics I knew I wasn’t going to find those answers either.

I read somewhere that, in relation to the mother, human babies are the largest infants at birth in the animal kingdom. I think this got out of hand at some point in the past and we failed to address it. I mean, polar bears have a baby so tiny they don’t even know they had a baby. If there were no c-sections childbearing would be the #1 killer of women. I am an example of that. I grew a baby so big it just simply couldn’t come out. And I am not trying to flatter myself here as having a small vagina- the size of it it’s irrelevant so let’s say I have the biggest one ever. So big it whistles with the wind. But my hip bones are childlike. At some point during the 8th month the thought of delivering an outer-space reptilian wasn’t as terrifying as delivering a cunt-crushing human.

I don’t know if I instinctively just knew, but I never had a doubt in my mind that I was not capable of pushing it out. Hell, twice before I needed assistance while taking a bigger-than-average shit. Forget about an 9 pound creature that cannot be taken out in segments and assembled outside. Add to the horror that maybe this thing is not from Earth and may kill everyone in the operating room but spare me so I can witness what a monstrosity it is and how it annihilates my home, Earth.

Throughout the pregnancy I developed this irrational bond and commitment to the creature that never ceased, even after delivery. I started thinking of myself in a third person: “I must care for the baby’s mother because the baby needs her”. The urge to care, protect, and love this thing was primal. I became the woman I hate in horror movies.

Once the creature came out of me, and I verified that it was of human nature, I was relieved. But then I had one extra concern that would stay with me forever. What if the baby was the anti-Christ? To my relief, I am not a lone on this one. According to google a lot of people out there share this concern. BUT, let it be known, if my kid ever says to me “Take me to your leader” my only hesitation would be in figuring it out if its the President or Kim Kardashian.

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